Sometimes I hear from people who want their spouse to just grow up when it comes to conflict within their marriage. Often, one of the spouses is very willing to sit down and solve their problems like an adult, while the other apparently is not.
I heard from a wife who said, “My husband and I handle our fights very differently. I never want to go to bed angry. I hate conflict. I immediately want to sit down and work on whatever is going on. I don’t like to know that there is tension. between us. But he doesn’t seem to care if we’re getting further and further away from each other. When my husband and I went out, I hated going near him. home because his parents always fought openly. There were always a lot of doors slamming and yelling. It made me feel very uncomfortable because that’s not the way I was raised. My parents rarely raise their voices. But my husband has no problem yelling. and losing his cool. And lately, when I try to get him to sit down and talk about our problems, I He says that talking won’t solve everything and he gets in a bad mood. When I do something he doesn’t like, he withdraws his affection and seems to leave me out to punish me. to watching a little boy throw a tantrum. I want it to grow. I want you to feel and speak to me like a mature adult. This is our marriage and the rest of our lives that we are talking about. But my husband just won’t see this. Instead, he seems perfectly happy to continue communicating in this childish way. What I can do? “
I felt this wife was right to be very concerned about this issue. Many experts say that the way a couple fights and handles conflict is a very good indicator of whether that same couple will eventually end up divorced. Couples who stay married and bond closely are couples who have learned to argue constructively. It’s okay to fight. In fact, it is important to clean the air from time to time. But it is also vital that the fight does not become personal. It’s okay to attack the problem. It is not okay to attack your spouse. It’s not okay to make it personal. You can hate the habit or the behavior, but you can’t imply that you hate your spouse, at least if you want your marriage to be healthy.
And it is very damaging and hurtful when one spouse denies affection or tries to punish the other during or after a disagreement. Because things only tend to escalate and deteriorate from there. So I agreed that it was vital that this couple learn to solve their problems constructively. The wife was more than willing to do this, so now was the time for the husband to join in.
Make your husband understand the need to fight fairly: The wife had been trying to shame or blame her husband to change the way he related to her in the conflict. In short, they had developed a kind of parent-child relationship. She would take the right path and hint that he was being immature and childish. And while all of those things may have been somewhat accurate, drawing your attention to this probably won’t inspire you to change. Instead, it will only anger him more and motivate him more to improve his behavior.
I think the best way to start is to have a calm and thoughtful discussion when things start to take a turn for the worse. The next time the husband slips back into this destructive way of dealing with conflict, the wife might say something like, “I need to stop you, honey. Because this is starting to become a destructive place and I don’t want this to follow us. happening. The point of us discussing this is to resolve it and stop the conflict. But right now we are discussing something that is not even part of the original problem. This is just making things work. I know this is how you are used to dealing with with conflict, but it’s very painful for me and I don’t feel like it’s doing us any good. Why don’t we regroup and talk about the real issues at hand? I’ll go first. “
Then present your side of the story in the most constructive way possible. When he’s finished, stop and ask him to present his point of view. If he starts to slip back into his old patterns, stop him again and redirect him.
Bringing your attention to this is the key. Since the husband grew up in a tumultuous home, he really didn’t know otherwise. This is why it is important to be patient and try to redirect it gently. You don’t want to tell him that he’s being childish or immature. Instead, you just want to show him how to do it better. And when you do, promise to offer all kinds of positive reinforcement. Because the whole idea is to make you want to do better and give you the tools to do it.
This can mean that you sometimes have to lead by example and this can seem unfair at times. It may seem that you are the one who takes all the initiative. But as he continues, he should develop a new way of communicating that is vital to saving his marriage. Because if these two continued to fight in the destructive way that had become a habit, the future of their marriage could be in doubt. And he doubted this was what either of them wanted.