Do you wonder if the pain will ever end every time you think of your deceased loved one? Is there anything you can do to lessen the horror of the nightmare you are experiencing? Are you thinking about what the future will be like without him or her? These questions are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to coping with the death of a loved one.
Many more questions need to be addressed and you, in the final analysis, need to make decisions based on what you believe to be true and the information at hand. The latter is often a major problem, since much of the education about loss and change is based on pure guesswork and the example of poor adult complaint models.
Here are six pieces of information that can reduce some of your pain and suffering as you make the inevitable decisions imposed by loss.
1. All those feelings that haunt you are conditions of existence, part of the price we pay for loving. Although you may feel like you are “going crazy,” despair, devastation, shame, guilt, failure, depression, confusion, or a host of other feelings are common and, in many cases, expected. Don’t berate yourself or feel embarrassed about the way you feel or act. This is the complaints process going on pure and simple, a world that everyone deals with at some point.
2. We need each other. You don’t have to “be strong” as many of us were taught. Let others hear what is going on inside of you. Be specific. Let friends and neighbors share your complaint and do some of the chores you would normally do. Save your energy for your complaint work; much is needed. And don’t forget, it’s not uncommon for some friends you thought would help you a lot, to be embarrassed. Don’t dwell on it; that is not worth it.
3. You have to do it or it won’t. You and you alone must make the decisions, the moves, and the intentions to accept this dark night of the soul, let it unfold, and learn from it. Recognize that you can’t fix it right away; that is the terrible reality that must be faced. Give in to the process and know that you must face the pain, do not try to run away from it. However, it is necessary to take a break and divert attention. But refuse to avoid it indefinitely, because it will manifest in ways that delay healthy adjustment.
4. Love is the way out. Now wait a minute what are you thinking; What does love have to do with it? It is the reason you are grieving in the first place. And, paradoxically, your commitment to be even more loving is guaranteed to lessen your pain and strengthen the way you feel about yourself.
Never back down in love; doing so will ultimately add to your complaint work. When you give love, you get it back. It revitalizes life, feeds our visions, even if the grievance stays with us. Yes, you can love and suffer in the same setting. Love draws you out of yourself and is a hidden healer.
5. Feed your spiritual life. What do we understand by spirit? That part of the deep inner self that deals with meaning and mystery in life and death, as well as a relationship with something greater than the self. By nurturing your spiritual life (in your own individual way), you may well find meaning in the death of your loved one, which is a search we all have to make. Going to your spiritual side will help you in the changes that you will face as a person and as part of your family.
And don’t minimize the power of gratitude, appreciation, and kindness to play an important role in adjusting to your great loss, if you explore and practice them. Just try staying in a state of gratitude for a few minutes and see what it does for you; all of this is as much a part of your spirituality as seeing a sunrise, holding a newborn, taking a mini-vacation in your imagination, or spending a night gazing at the stars.
6. Don’t dismiss these three words lightly: persistence, patience, and commitment; they make a difference and will reduce your pain and suffering. I have said before that you are in charge of your grievance and you rule the ship. What is needed for a successful trip? First, believe that you must change and move on: you are not the same person. This is easy to say, but difficult to do.
Second, when you have setbacks, which are quite common, you have to get up and try again and again. And lastly, be patient. Keep telling yourself, it will get better. I will get over this. It takes much more time than we are led to believe to handle our losses because we have been conditioned in an instant environment of everything. If you persist, the pain will subside.
In short, the death of your loved one will mean that you will have to abandon old roles and take on new ones, as well as leave your old world and embrace a new one. You will acquire a new identity. This is all part of your complaints job. It’s hard, sometimes daunting, and it’s essential to give yourself permission to feel the emotions that come through it all.
assert yourself Do what is right for you in this time of transformation. Replenish. You possess the inherent ability to cope with your great loss.