Can you imagine the peace, serenity, happiness and harmony that you could experience in a relationship when two people focus only on giving and not receiving? When you have no expectations of your partner? If he has read Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, he is familiar with what he believes are the 5 things people want or need in order to feel loved.
Although I agree with your 5 behaviors, I think there are several others, so I would like to give you your 5 and then 7 of my own that I have learned over the years. Please keep in mind that no matter how many of these you do or demonstrate in your relationship that if you don’t give your partner the one(s) they need to feel loved, no matter how many you do, it will all be in vain. However, if you constantly act or give your partner what they need to feel truly loved and add a few more, just imagine…
Here are Chapman’s five.
-Acts of service.
-physical touch
-Words of affirmation
-Quality time
-Receive gifts
From my personal experience, I can tell you that in relationships I have done all five for a partner and yet they still seemed to lack the feelings that they were loved. I’m not suggesting that Chapman is wrong, just that I think there might be more to the expression and acceptance of unconditional love. I’m not going to explain this further, read his book. But here are my seven additions.
1 – To be desired. Regardless of age, physical characteristics or attitudes, I believe that in order to feel loved one needs to know that no matter what happens, one desires oneself emotionally and physically. I’m not just talking about sex or intimacy, but the ability to get aroused every time your loved one walks into a room, no matter how they’re dressed or how they feel.
2 – A safe emotional environment. The ability to express fears, concerns, wants, desires, needs, goals, and frustrations in an emotionally safe environment without worry of retaliation, criticism, judgment, or disapproval is vital to an open and honest relationship. It is well known that women listen better than men and that men feel less comfortable showing their emotions, but in the end, if you want your partner to feel loved, listen to her without judging, without selfishness or without the need to control her emotionally.
3 – Romantic. Just because you’ve been together for more than eight months or thirty years doesn’t mean you still can’t have a romantic life outlook. I’ve been accused of being a hopeless romantic and being unrealistic about how relationships change over time. Sorry folks, I’ll never be convinced that if a couple can’t stay ‘in love’ and show romance as the years go by.
4 – Appreciation and consideration. When I do something for you and you don’t notice or care, guess what? Sooner or later I will stop making them or start making them for someone else. A great book by Evatt, Givers and Takers is a great read if you want to understand the importance of appreciation and consideration and its impact on your partner, especially if they are a giver and you are a taker.
5 – Anticipation of your needs, wishes and desires. When your partner is stressed, worried, or not feeling 100% physically, your ability to anticipate her needs says a lot about how well you know, love, and care for her.
6- Support for their beliefs, goals and life purpose. There is nothing worse than being in a relationship when your partner is more concerned about their career or personal needs than their partner’s. Everyone, sooner or later, has a dream. Failure to support or believe in your partner’s goals or dreams will tend, over time, to create an emotional distance between you.
7 – Approval. This is one of my favorites. Read Carter’s book, Nasty People. Invalidation is when you don’t listen, you interrupt your partner, you are always late for meetings or activities with them, etc. Invalidation happens every day in every relationship. But I will tell you, keep invalidating your partner and sooner or later I don’t care how many of the above you do with passion and love, they will soon come to feel or believe that they are not important to you.
Well, there you have it, my seven additions. How would you rate yourself and your partner at 12?