I recently shared a meal with some acquaintances. The conversation turned to how relationships start. Someone explained, amid much laughter from the group, how she tried everything to get away from her, but finally realized that someone was perfect for her. That moment changed her life.
One of the men nodded and agreed that you just know when someone is right. He had the same feeling when he met his girlfriend a few months before.
I knew the man was married, but in England there is this strange situation where you divorce in stages, like cutting off a dog’s tail little by little, so it hurts less. And from what I can gather, Brits generally don’t wait for the process to be over before moving on to a different relationship.
When I asked him sympathetically how long the man had been separated from his wife, he said no, he was happily married. He then told me that in the UK it is “traditional” for a man to have a mistress. He also said that his wife was aware of his “friends”, but he has no idea how close these “friendships” are, and that kept them both happy.
That really didn’t surprise me. A few months after my arrival in the UK, I went to visit a lady in her 80s who was recovering in hospital after an operation. We were talking about the news of the day, which had something to do with the accident in which Princess Diana died. I must have said something about Diana (I don’t remember the whole conversation), but that triggered a tirade against Diana because “she didn’t know her place, she wasn’t royal, and she didn’t complain about anything and she embarrassed the royal family, because a man, and especially a prince, is fully entitled to his ‘little extra'”.
I was amazed at the time, not so much because of what the old lady said, but because I knew her as a very Christian person and a fervent supporter of the Church of England. But then, the Church of England has its roots in the actions of King Henry VIII, who had a wandering eye and believed that his rules were the only rules, especially when it came to women.
He wasn’t quite sure what to think about this man who seems to be an intelligent and decent man who gets along with everyone.
However, outside of work one would think of him as a predator who finds vulnerable women, tells them he is married and intends to stay married, and then has a relationship with them that obviously excludes children and many other means of sharing a relationship. life. Those women know they can’t reclaim their time or how they live their lives, because society will turn on women as homewreckers. Few people will question the motives of a happily married man.
I’m not convinced that his wife doesn’t really know anything about these other women (there were two of them at the time, and he really has to juggle his social schedule to get close to everyone and make sure they don’t find out).
Is it about morality? That’s what most people would think.
However, I am convinced that it is about balance. The husband looks for other women because he lacks some balance in her life. He doesn’t have much in common with her wife (I overheard conversations where he was perfectly courteous and friendly with her, but he couldn’t remember what day of the week she had a part-day job). This does not matter to her because when he gets home she is there, waiting for him. With his mistresses, on the other hand, he always knows where they are, and this is important because he doesn’t want them to meet or meet his wife. That is balance.
Where is the balance for the wife? She is financially dependent on her husband. If she leaves him, she will have to find a job to support herself. If she values having a lot of free time without her husband (which may even include a relationship with another man) and being supported by a man, then she is satisfied. However, this will only be the position when she values those things above fidelity and honesty.
Where is the balance for the mistress? Her need for sex is satisfied and she has the excitement of an illicit relationship as well as the companionship. At the same time, she has an admirer who is not around all the time, which gives her freedom. As long as these values outweigh the values of, say, having children or having a relationship based on trust, then she is happy.
Most of the time, when a relationship comes to an end, it is because the values of the two partners collide. Sometimes people enter a relationship with conflicting values and quickly go from infatuation to resentment to the end of the relationship. Other times people with different values have a relationship, and grow and learn from each other.
When you look at the satisfaction of values in a marriage instead of the document that makes it a marriage, the picture looks different. And the same goes for other relationships such as employment or friendship.
Next time I will retain my judgment and rather add to my understanding.