I hate hot summers. But once he’s gone, I miss him. This summer is hotter than ever!
There is something lovely in the summer. whether it’s the long nights we spend outdoors, the adventure trips we plan, or the way the sun streams through the windows early in the morning. And this summer gave me the opportunity to open the floodgates to explore myself and expose who I am.
July 22, 2016 was the day that helped me overcome one of my biggest fears, this was my first day in one of the most prestigious institutions in India. I entered the campus of the university with great resolve and courage. I felt that everything was welcoming me with great joy and with open arms. I was quite nervous for multiple reasons. My childhood was amazing. The only bad thing was that he was so introverted that everything became a big problem. He wasn’t sure if he was going to make friends. I was so confused and uptight. All the new faces, language problems, and staying away from parents is the biggest problem at the time. As it is a national institute, I met students from all over the world, I learned many customs, traditions and fast culture is what I could not easily digest. At the time, I didn’t know that these things were going to bring big changes in my life.
I had no idea what love was. One being my father loved me to the point where I never knew what love was and the other may be because I was too lost in books, not in childhood love scandals. Don’t be offended when I say ‘LOVE SCANDALS’ because most love stories turn out to be scandals, it may be because of our innocence, but if I look back my perception of love has changed a lot.
LOVE … is not an emotion. It’s much more than that. It is a species that vivifies the burning. Love is an effort, a mystery, a creation of the soul. It’s the best we do.
On a clear fall day in August 2016, we were asked to introduce ourselves to each other. It was then that I saw it for the first time. At the time, I didn’t know that it was going to be lightning in my life. This is not superior to any other story. Not even one in a hundred. Few days after that I felt like he was looking at me, I thought it was a mere attraction and I didn’t think much about it, so it was for a few months and one day I told my friends about that flirting. And all that stuff. Since they’re all from the same school, they know more about him than I do. They told me he likes to get a girl’s attention and then he’ll leave them, he’s that kind of guy. They warned me not to get carried away. I framed him as a bad guy even though my heart wasn’t ready to finish him off like this. A couple of months later, we chatted for an hour. We discussed many things about each other and he told me how people think of him and how true he was very frankly. That was the first time that my feelings for him were positive. Later, we started ignoring each other every time we crossed paths, and before long some of his friends started acting strange, which made me feel very uncomfortable.
During all that time, while those things were happening, he had no reason to think why. So I thought about it a lot and, as much as I thought about it, I think somewhere I had started to feel more for him. At first I thought I could get over those feelings, but over time things got worse and it became even more disturbing. So, I insisted on meeting with him just to fix things with him and I could feel less of a burden. My Heart and My Mind are not in the same lane and it was the most difficult task to decide whether to go with Heart or Mind. My Mind is telling me that he may not be the one and my Heart insists that if he is the one … as someone said, the Heart needs more time to accept what our Mind already knows … it can be. On a rainy day in June 2018, I called him and spoke with all my heart. He said what he did and what I felt were just some REGULAR ACTIONS and nothing more. At that moment, I was devastated. Because I expected a sincere apology and got something unexpected.
Haha … Life is what happens when we expect something else. It is always unpredictable. Love always brings difficulties and it hurts a lot. That’s true. But, those things that hurt always provide opportunities for introspection.
I cursed myself for everything that happened. I can’t get it out of my mind and everyone tried to comfort me by saying EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. In that state, I felt like ‘what! For a reason … ??’. It was crazy. People started judging me like how do you LIKE someone like that? How can you love a boy you know nothing about? I know what they are trying to say, but all I needed was someone to listen to what I say without criticizing. Fortunately, I got a lot of those.
I wondered a thousand times asking myself, ‘How could I have given love to that person? He doesn’t even deserve it. ‘ But it’s not about deserving, it’s about what we believe in. Yes! Those so-called ERRATIC ACTIONS are not so regular for me. But this is how you see things. He is right in his own way.
PEOPLE ARE NOT ALWAYS WHAT WE FEEL THEM.
At one point or another, each and every one of us will have to face this situation. Then it was my turn. It made me stronger. I learn to love without loving myself. I learned to forgive without apologizing. I learn to be nicer than necessary. In fact, it made my path clearer. These sufferings made me realize that I have always been THE FEAST OF LIFE.
THE FEAR OF REJECTION or FAILURE is one of my most debilitating fears. I will be frank. Rejection hurts. Literally. The pain of feeling rejected, marginalized, or unwanted is real. But it’s not the pain that makes rejection so difficult … it’s the FEAR. Well, in my case it is not rejection. But, I opened my tender heart to someone and they shot me into the flames. A few days after the incident, my friend asked me how I was feeling. For the next ten minutes, an awkward silence filled my heart and my room. I have nothing to say. That feeling really sucks. But it is not as difficult to overcome as we think. It took me a few days to realize that the pain has to do with the emotional investment we have in that rejection. Rejection or failure hurts as much as we allow it. We are giving it power to affect us. Let’s not let any fear mask our true selves. ACTUALLY … I FACED THE REJECTION! I WIN. Time heals all.
When the pains hit hard, we try to escape. That is the human tendency. But, we must try to find the relevance of our sufferings. That will help us create our own personal legacy. Thunderstorms are scarier, but it never rains forever. What if! We meet everyone for a REASON and everything happens for a REASON, because when we look back in time, we are glad it happened that way. Always!
We must never allow our misery to prevail over us. Just because of that enemy, let’s not miss the good people. Let’s accept fate. We do not know who we are destined to meet, but it is already predetermined. There is someone out there eagerly waiting to glorify our soul … let’s trust the waiting. Let’s celebrate the beauty of life.
THIS IS HOW IT ENDED. THAT ESPECIALLY HOT SUMMER, IT ENDED LIKE THIS.