Often we really want to believe that we love our spouse for who they are. We love his personality, his integrity, or the way he makes us laugh. But if we’re being honest, most of us would have to admit that one of the first things that attracted us to our spouse was his looks. Sure, most of us don’t dwell on someone who looks like a model or movie star. But, very few people end up married to someone they don’t find attractive. Your spouse may not look like the person you envisioned when you were much younger (at least mine didn’t), but most of us love the way our spouse looks. So what happens when those looks change? And should you feel guilty if this matters to you?
A wife might sheepishly explain, “I feel like such a shallow jerk. But lately, I’ve been really bothered by my husband’s appearance. And none of it is his fault. He has had to take medication for a medical condition. And this it’s made you gain weight. And it gives you a puffy look. The great irony of this is that I’m not much of a beauty myself. I used to be so insecure because I thought people always thought we didn’t match. My husband was so handsome and I was normal looking. Because of this, I felt I had this great catch. I felt very lucky. And now my husband is not so handsome anymore. Don’t get me wrong. He is not ugly. or unattractive. In fact, now we’re probably a lot more even, which I’d think would make me feel more comfortable. But no, I’m worried. I’m shopping for clothes that will make my husband look more attractive. When I gave him some of these clothes, he asked me if something was wrong in his old clothes, and he looked hurt. The thing is, I’m usually not someone who cares much about appearance. I’m certainly not worried about mine. And a person’s personality and integrity are usually much more important to me. I’m so disappointed in myself for being so shallow. Why is his appearance so important to me? And how can I stop this?”
I think you’re being too hard on yourself. In fact, I get a lot of mail from people who are considering separation or divorce simply because they are no longer attracted to their spouse. You’re not even getting close to that. You only notice a change. And even though it bothers you, you don’t seem motivated to act on it.
It’s part of human nature to be attracted to things (and people) that we find attractive. So when that attraction lessens or changes, it’s natural to wonder what this means for our marriage. It is also a fact of life that neither of us will look like when our spouse first met us. Everyone gets old. Each one changes. Some of us age better than others. But we expect our spouse to see what is inside of us as well as what is outside.
I can only tell you my opinion. My take on this has always been that it’s okay to expect your spouse to make an effort. I believe that we should all present the best of ourselves to the world. I exercise to stay in shape and take care of my appearance to the best of my ability based on what is realistic given what I have to work with. I hope my partner does the same. At the same time, I will never look like Angelina Jolie. I’m a woman of a certain age and it’s unrealistic to expect me to look like anything other than that. I walk the line of injecting things in my face and having unrealistic expectations. There are things you just can’t avoid. And I think, for me at least, that’s really the difference. If there are things about your appearance that your spouse cannot help, then there really is nothing good that can come from trying to change that or from having that unfortunate fact against you.
A change in appearance due to medication is quite different than a change due to a love of donuts or an aversion to exercise. I think it’s okay to do the best you can with what you have, which is probably why you resorted to new clothes.
As for why this matters so much to you, I think part of it is the perception that you got the better of the deal because you saw your husband as handsome, while you felt like you were more average. (You may have been underestimating yourself.) And you may also think that his appearance is a reflection of you and your own worth. But you probably know that for most people, attraction tends to change over time. Physical attraction is only one part. You are drawn to the inner person, which you know better than anyone. You appreciate your history and how much you’ve been through together. You appreciate the support and understanding your spouse has given you.
To me these things are much more important than what you see on the outside. You already know that this or this change would not bother you or confuse you so much. Perhaps as her husband gets more used to the medication, the changes will lessen. But in the meantime, I think he’ll help if you focus on the inside, on the support, and on those things that haven’t changed, maybe his smile, his hands, his broad shoulders. I suspect that not everything has changed. And I also suspect that it will improve. This is new. And a disease brings stress. There’s nothing wrong with trying to maximize what you have to work with, but at the same time, you don’t want to hurt your husband, who is already having a hard time. It’s better to know that you are a loving and close couple than a couple that looks great but doesn’t have that connection.