I sometimes hear of wives feeling a lot of anger and hatred towards their husband after they catch him cheating or having an affair. Sometimes the intensity of these feelings takes these wives by surprise. They are stunned. Most will tell you that she is not the type of person to feel negative emotions like hate. Most can look away when someone makes them angry. And most will tell you that they would never have believed that they could hate the man they loved more than anyone. Yet that is what they feel now: a burning hatred that takes over everything else.
Many are frightened by these feelings. Some have children and know that feeling this way towards the father of their children is not going to do anyone any good. Many wish they could stop the feelings in their tracks, but find they can’t just turn them off and on. They might say, “If you had told me five years ago that I would one day feel this kind of hate toward my husband, I would have called you a liar. I adore my husband. I really do. That is, until I caught him cheating on me. Now I feel so angry and betrayed that I literally think I hate him. And that’s really hard for me because last week, I thought about how lucky I was and how much I loved him. But I can’t get over what he’s done to me and what he’s risked and maybe just throw it away. I have kids and a business with him though, so I know I can’t spend the rest of my life hating him. I know I need to eventually let go of these feelings, but I can’t even understand how that would be possible because I feel this suffocating anger every waking hour. I look at him and my blood boils. How come women don’t absolutely hate their husbands after infidelity?”
I can’t speak for anyone else, but I am willing to share some of my feelings with you in the hope that it will help you. Not make mistakes. I was absolutely furious at my husband for cheating and at times thought of physically harming him (although I know he never would have. I did destroy many household items and memorabilia though). I really can’t exaggerate how angry he was. And so I stayed for quite some time. Right now, you can’t see past the anger, which is understandable. It may take you a while to put that aside and think rationally. Don’t be so hard on yourself for it. It is normal.
In my own case, I came to learn that while I couldn’t turn my feelings off, I could redirect them. Like you, I didn’t want my kids exposed to any aspect of the matter, so if I was really mad when we were all together, I’d either be busy or I’d apologize. If I was so angry that I could say or do something I regret, I would try to avoid or escape the situation. I would wait to interact until another time. Or I would just tell my husband that I needed a break for a while and he would give it to me.
I have to admit that one thing that probably contributed to the fact that I don’t hold any hate anymore is that my husband did the right thing pretty quickly. He was sorry, ended the affair and agreed to do whatever I wanted or needed. If he had dragged his feet with this, the result might have been different. He pretty much did as I asked, even though we both had resentments and hurt feelings along the way.
At the end of the day, I didn’t carry that hate because I chose to hate the action and behavior instead of the person. I hated the decision. I didn’t hate him. I can’t deny that good people sometimes do bad things and make mistakes. I had to look at our entire marriage and decide for myself if the good my husband had done had outweighed the bad. The truth is that he was not even close. My husband has been a rock to my entire family for years and years. He has taken care of me and my children with very little thought of himself. Did he do that when he cheated? Absolutely not. But he couldn’t deny years of good behavior for days of bad behavior. A very close relative of mine (who has now passed away) was an alcoholic. For this reason, part of my childhood was very painful and at times I have felt resentment and anger. But now that the family member is gone, I realize that I can hate the disease and still love the person. Otherwise this family member was loving and kind. You can’t erase those qualities because of a negative thing.