Even if it is the best option for you and your spouse, getting divorced is never an easy decision. A divorce after having children is a game changer, regardless of whether you or your partner want to stay in touch once the paperwork is finalized. Even if you plan to keep the separation civil, it will take a toll on kids when they can’t go home to mom and dad after school. It is important that before they blame themselves or misbehave, you feel them and explain exactly what is happening. You must have a certain level of honesty when discussing divorce with your children. They will feel it if you are lying to them, so it is best to be honest and let them know everything that may affect them. Here are 5 tips for breaking the news of a divorce to your children.
Make sure you break the news together
This is not just because whoever breaks the news is going to sound like the bad boy, but because your kids need to see that the two of you are still a duo like their parents, even if you’re not going to be together anymore. Blaming each other or telling biased or one-sided stories does not help anyone in this situation. Incorporating the word “we” during your conversations is important so that neither parent does not introduce it to the children as if one parent is leaving the family.
Know what you want to say
Talk about what you are going to say to your children before sitting down across from them. Improvising a conversation that is likely to stay with your child for a long time is beneficial to him. Be sure to tell your children that you both love them and that separation is a decision they made as adults and has nothing to do with them. Children often blame themselves, so while you don’t need to give any real reasoning behind the divorce, make sure they understand that it was the result of your own problems and not theirs.
Warn your teachers
Depending on how you expect your children to react to the news, you may want to share it with other adults who are close to them. Teachers, coaches, babysitters, or other authority figures will be the ones to turn to for help during this time. It can be confusing for children, especially at a young age. They can also start to misbehave. If this happens, it is important that the adults around them understand what they are going through and help them rather than punish them.
Let them ask questions
Once again, you will be confused, so you and your future ex must arm yourself with answers to your barrage of questions. The first thing they are going to ask is “why”. You may want to tell them that you no longer see eye to eye and that although the two of you will always be your mom and dad, you no longer want to be husband and wife. Be prepared to answer questions like, where are we going to live, am I going to have a new mom / dad? Can I see you both every day? Etc.
be calm
Going through a divorce is not only a difficult time for children, it can also be an emotional rollercoaster for you and your partner. Talking about it with other people can cause you distress, so you can hope that telling your kids about it might upset you too. It is very important that you wait until the decision is final and you are mentally / emotionally stable to inform your children. When breaking the news, you must be strong for them. If they see that their parents are devastated by what is coming, they will not know how to handle it. Seeing your parents upset is one of the worst feelings and for a young child it can be extremely overwhelming.
Going through a divorce affects many more people besides you and your partner. Unfortunately for your children, they will bear the brunt of emotional distress, so do everything in your power to minimize it.