Have you ever noticed that your anger is generally directed towards your partner, your parents, your children, and your best friends more than anyone else in the world? And do you know why this is so? How is it that we end up punishing those we say we love so much so often? Below, I’ll explain why and also give you five basic steps to break the cycle and start channeling love instead of anger and resentment.
If you are in a relationship with someone, you inevitably create expectations. They are supposed to take care of you, they must be responsible, they must care about you, etc. And of course, every time they break their laws and can’t meet your expectations, they get a black mark in their memory bank. And, of course, keep score very diligently. The more black points you accumulate in your bank, the more resentment you live and this resentment is directed towards the person whom you are supposed to love (unconditionally?). The level of resentment you hold on to will determine the amount of drama you create every time your loved one does something you don’t like. They spill the milk, you create drama. They don’t call, you create more drama. They don’t apologize, even more drama.
Conversely, if someone you don’t know very well and have lower expectations about (i.e. someone you haven’t kept score for) does all of the things mentioned above, you’re more likely to ignore and forgive them. Why? Because you don’t hold onto resentment towards that person (yet!).
In effect, you end up punishing the ones you love (thinking it’s payback for all the disappointment they’ve caused you) and loving the ones you don’t know yet (until you get to know them better and realize they’re not perfect either).
Is there a way out? Of course there is! Follow these guidelines and you can experience life differently:
- Adjust your expectations!
- Accept that no one is perfect and that everyone can make mistakes!
- Don’t take other people’s mistakes personally! People do what they do for themselves, not for you!
- Feel love and compassion for the people you say you love! Don’t pressure them to do and be what you expect of them.
- Forgive and forget! Let go and let God!