I was sitting in the cockpit for takeoff and landing and watched the first officer pull out the T/O and landing checklist and read it aloud. How many times have captains and first officers taken off and landed planes? But each time they still refer to a checklist. Although they probably know the procedures like the back of their hand, they still have to refer to a checklist to make sure we arrive safe and in “best shape”.
As a student of positive psychology (a branch of psychology that focuses on positive behavior, happiness, and optimism), I thought, how wonderful it would be to have a happiness checklist.
Happiness is a very arbitrary term and one person’s happiness may differ from another’s, but with that being said, I think there are some basic principles that could be universally applied to happiness.
Those be; good health, satisfying relationship, satisfying job, enough money and the ability to indulge in one’s passions.
Many of us confuse feeling good with feeling happy. A study was recently carried out in which students were asked to do something that gave them pleasure and then perform an act of selfless kindness. Most of the students approached the first part quite enthusiastically and recounted their pleasurable activities that included having sex, going out to dinner, hanging out with friends, drinking and getting beaten up, and having more sex.
Interestingly, the second part of the task had a more lasting effect. When the students were asked about their experience, they spoke with the glee of a five-year-old. One of the students who was afraid of needles went and donated blood. Another brought home a homeless person and fed him. Another left a $50 tip for a server at Denny’s and one spent the entire day at a community farm covered in horse manure.
When asked to compare the two activities, almost all rated the second higher in terms of lasting happiness. This experiment was then repeated at other institutions, and the results were fairly unanimous.
So what really is happiness?
The Webster and Oxford dictionary describe the word happiness as a state of great pleasure and satisfaction. It is said that someone who is happy is favored by circumstances; has luck; lucky etc The thesaurus uses words like pleasure; gratification; enjoyment; fruition, oblation; seasonings; cheer up; taste; welfare; happiness; happiness; enchantment; rapture; ecstasy; darling; Honeymoon
I once sent an email to my friends asking them to define happiness. I got some lovely responses, some quite simple and some extremely deep and insightful (too many to list here), but most said they were appreciating what we had, living in the present, showing gratitude, and giving without expectations. No one mentioned money, sex, or food. Pretty interesting right? We all know or at least pretend to know what happiness is but when it comes to being really happy we forget and run after all the things that only lead to pleasure and not lasting happiness.
While having this discussion with the Captain of my flight, he gave me a brilliant idea! He suggested I make a happiness checklist and put it in the mailboxes of all cabin and cabin crew.
It is not my intention to preach, but it is my intention to guide you towards a fuller and “HAPPY” life. So without further ado, here is a list of things that can lead to lasting happiness.
Make happiness a worthy goal, because achieving it is entirely within your reach. Abraham Lincoln noted, “Most people are as happy as they choose to be.” It is not what happens to us that determines how happy we are, it is what and how we think about what happens to us that determines the state of our happiness.
Let go of what you cannot change: other people, the past, the future. Reinhold Niebuhr once wrote. “Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Just focus on what YOU can change: your thoughts, beliefs, expectations, and behavior. There is absolutely no point in wasting your time and energy blaming other people and circumstances beyond your control. Instead of getting angry at other people’s “selfishness” and inconsiderate behavior, remember that you have no control over what others choose to think or do. Just refuse to become a crybaby because of situations and events that are beyond your power to alter or fix.
Cherish the moment. Notice the good things that are happening to you right now, whether it is a beautiful sky, a light load on the plane, a happy child, a beautiful passenger who gives you his phone number, a delicious meal with your friends. Who knows how many years or days one has left to fully experience this moment. Most of us live in the past, be it pain or pleasure. We cling to the past, plan for the future and forget about the present. However, the only moment of truth is this moment. Whenever you feel sad or depressed, think about what is wrong at that particular moment. Very often there will be nothing wrong at the moment, just in our thoughts.
Focus on what you have and not on what you want. One of the definitions of happiness I received read: “Happiness is wanting what you get and success is getting what you want.” I read it and ignored it, but now that I’m writing about it, it makes perfect sense. We have to accept that we won’t get everything we want. So why insist on making ourselves miserable by wanting instead of enjoying what we have? Don’t turn your wants into needs.
Choose to see the best in people and the world. You are the maker of your own destiny. You will always see what you choose to see. Try This: The next time you go shopping, think of a red car, and before you know it, you’ll see a red car somewhere on the road. Because? It’s because now you were looking for a red car. Unhappy people choose to see the worst. They are burdened with a very dim view of the world and forget about the joys of appreciation. We tend to see only the “evidence” that confirms our beliefs, thereby convincing us that those beliefs are “facts.” So choose to see the best and only the best will appear.
Be grateful and keep a gratitude journal. Take stock of all the good things in your life and be grateful. Remind yourself of all the people who have less than you have, whether in health, resources, family, or friends. Every night before you go to bed, remember three good things that happened and write them down. Do this exercise every day without fail. Eventually, your brain will wire into appreciation and gratitude and lead you to happiness.
Stop assuming you know what others are thinking and feeling. I have discovered that I am a poor mind reader. Studies comparing eyewitness accounts invariably reveal that no two people see things exactly the same way, and that each of us interprets what we perceive differently. We all have different beliefs, which are intertwined in a complex web or belief system. Therefore, we see the world differently, we behave differently, and we show our love differently. So don’t expect others to behave as you would in a similar situation.
Remember that other people’s actions are almost always about them, not you. I remember meeting a passenger on the plane the other day, who was the most hateful, moody woman I had ever met. She was pretty rough and nasty. I eventually plucked up my courage and asked her if we had done anything to upset her. At first she was quite evasive and deigned to talk, but she eventually came out with the whole story of her life about her impending divorce and custody of her children and the inability of her new lovers. to provide a comfortable home. All of her anger was basically self-directed and she had no idea how to handle it.
Lower expectations. High expectations set us up for constant disappointment. I’d rather be surprised and delighted that things turn out better than I expected, rather than expect more than I get and be disappointed. I remember hanging out with this guy who talked about bringing the moon and stars and being a bit disappointed by his inability to satisfy even the most basic need for a phone call. On the other hand I put someone who would send me flowers even when I was flying through the air (thanks to the airphones). Obviously, I was flattered in a way I least expected.
Always remember that “being human” means being imperfect and making mistakes. And that’s fine. Instead of becoming critical and angry with yourself, try to be gentle. Remember what Einstein said: “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”
Take chances. Be bold and take a stand. In interviews with nursing home residents, one study found that people’s biggest regrets were not the things they did, but the things they didn’t do. Susan Davis says, “Joy comes from taking risks around your deepest values.” So I dare you to write this happiness checklist, even at the cost of all of you making fun of me!
Live by your values. Think about what is important to you and the kind of person you want to be. Then make daily decisions based on which actions are most aligned with who you want to be and what you value.
Remember to breathe. It really breathes. When you feel stressed, take several deep breaths. Focus on filling your belly with air, then on expelling all the air from my body. When you feel totally empty of air, take a new, full breath. This breathing exercise refreshes the mind and body.
Get enough sleep. Now, that’s a real bummer for me. I can only sleep well in my bed and with my pillow. Sleeping in strange hotels and at strange hours plays havoc with my system, but what the heck, I’m preaching right now, so I’ll write because it’s really important. You figure out your own way of sleeping. I did. I carry my pillow and my stuffed animal everywhere!!!
Phew, that was way too long for a checklist. Just choose what you like and ignore the rest. If you want more, read my blogs at http://www.happinessisaskill.blogspot.com Great thoughts precede great achievements. If you can dream it you can do it. So get in the habit of being happy!