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Wing Dings and Tide Pods – Super Bowl Snacks

For those of you who have yet to visit the new Food Lion store in Wake Forest, which based on the bunch of shoppers we struggled with today, there can’t be many, I wanted to give you a quick rundown of some of the things you can expect at this new and modern location.

One of the first things I found unique was how all the sidewalks lead you to the sides of the building, you know, so you can enter the lobby through the doors that are perpendicular to the front of the building (for those of you from Iron- Duff is a fancy way of saying there is a porch sticking out of the front of the house and instead of having steps going up the middle, the steps are on either side.) The strange thing was, when we got to the side of the lobby, there were no doors there. So what you have to do next is get back on the road, avoid getting hit, and then walk back to the front of the lobby where the doors are (porch for those of you from Iron-Duff). I must say that having an awning over that front area (covered porch for those of you from Iron-Duff) would have been very useful during today’s monsoon.

Now if you’re thinking that all this work just getting in might not be worth it, fear not, once inside you’ll find all the groceries you came for, not to mention a chance to wander through the produce cooler. This room is properly humidified and adequately cooled to keep the freshest veggies in town. As you exit the produce cave, you will find yourself strolling through your new, cutting-edge Deli. Folks, they have sandwiches, pizzas, pastas, sandwiches, sushi, and even whole fried chickens. You can imagine my excitement seeing all the deli specials, especially after having to spend all that time in the fruit and veg cave. Produce cooler, are you kidding me? Hey Food Lion, how about the next time you meet to design a store and a young hipster walks into the room and says he needs a veggie cooler right where the beer cave used to be? and put it back on the night shift storage shelves. Trust me, a few months of night shift coupled with the disruption of your delicate circadian rhythm and you will completely forget about your organic vegan ways, but I digress.

So let’s go back to the deli, where today is Super Bowl Sunday and I’m about to buy myself a couple dozen Wing Dings. I’m thinking maybe I’ll get a dozen regular Wing Dings and a Dozen Spicy Wing Dings, right? So I’m looking up and down at the hot shelf and I don’t see any, so I asked this nice young man from the deli section where I could find the Wing Dings. I assumed he worked at the deli because he was wearing a blue, fresh-out-of-the-bag Food Lion polo shirt with a shiny new badge. The plate even had his name on it, or at least I think it was his name, it’s hard to tell when they use the old school Dymo labelers. I say all of this to help explain what happened next, because what I heard was a statement that I assumed was simply coming from the mouth of a new kid, one who doesn’t understand the retail business yet, or maybe they just don’t. We are still on top of all the Food Lion stuff, because what it says was, “We don’t do Wing Dings anymore!” At that very moment I gave that young man my full attention, looked him straight in the eye and asked him to clarify his statement! Before the poor kid could even get three good bs out of a “bbb-but” stutter, another man decided he might have to step in. Also wearing one of those new blue polo shirts with Dymo’s name tag embossed, albeit denoting him as the “Deli Manager,” he proceeded to confirm that the youth had previously declared heartbreaking news by saying, “Yes, that’s right, we’re “I’m not doing those Wing Dings anymore. We have this new hot bar right here where you can get them any way you want, “as he points to a rolling buffet that is just the right height to allow the kids to play. After taking a quick look at the bar, I realized what what I meant by “however you like” is you can have them any way you want as long as the shape you want is superheated to the point where the meat is stretched over the bone and then dip them in a sticky sweet barbecue or sauce Orange Folks, that’s not the way I want you!

If you’re wondering what I did next, I’ll tell you. I did the only thing a self-respecting man can do, grabbed one of those take out boxes and proceeded to pick out a dozen of those fake chicken wings covered in overheated diabeetus sauce. I didn’t do this because I wanted to listen to you, but because Beth had grabbed my arm and told me to stop whining, leave the poor deli boy alone, whether or not to get some of those chicken wings. She doesn’t care anyway, and come so we can finish shopping. With my wings on the buggy, I finished my pout as I pushed our cart through the land of lost promises, while taking care not to trip over the old ladies blocking the aisles as they waited to hear from the store manager whether or not the grand opening sale price for tuna would continue to be respected next week.

Now for those of you who are worried about me and worried about how I could survive without Wing Dings, please rest assured, because eventually I will find a gas station deli that will fix your wings just the way I like them. However, I would like to ask you if you have a spare moment, maybe you want to say a prayer for the poor cashier who attended us, I am sure you will appreciate it. Turns out, I wasn’t the only one disappointed in our shopping experience and wondering what the world was for. By the time we got home, someone else had started crying too. Now, while Beth may not share my affinity for Wing Dings, she seemed to have some annoyances when it came to packing her groceries, along with a few words for the poor cashier who made the bag. She seemed genuinely surprised that the cashier had put our toothpaste in the same bag with all of our cleaning supplies, which included a bottle of liquid bleach. I guess it takes a lot more than bagging bleach and toothpaste to surprise me nowadays, especially when the bagger is from the same generation that is eating Tide Pods. I can see the new ad campaign now;

“Looking for a mouthwash that offers whiter teeth and a brighter smile? Try Clorox. (It also kills germs known to cause bad breath.”

Beth also disagreed with the fact that the cashier bagged our raw sausage and fresh mixed vegetables together. You’re doing crazy things like this that can often lead to deadly cross contamination. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the young lady didn’t provide us with any food safety precautions, I mean at least she had the decency to put the two items in one of them there “blue bags” so we would know what was inside. it would have to be refrigerated once we got home. Let’s face it, at some point the consumer has to accept a minimum (limited amount for those of you from Iron-Duff) of responsibility for their own food safety. We’ve all heard those stories about families getting sick from their own kitchen, and how it could have been easily avoided if they had simply followed some healthy sanitation and hygiene practices when working in the kitchen. Take my sausage and mixed veggie problem, for example. By simply selecting the right utensils, these young cheating tellers pose no risk to my health, me, or my family. I just start my prep by pulling out a cast iron skillet from under the stove. Next, I turn one of the large eyes on the stove to medium-high (6-7). To avoid sticking, I recommend that you let the pan heat up for 2-3 minutes, long enough so you can feel the heat coming out of the pan when you wave your hand over it, but not long enough to burn your fingers when you touch it. Once properly preheated, toss that sausage into the pan and cook it until golden brown on both sides but still greasy in the middle. Browning the outside of the sausage is the most important step, as it ensures that the pan is hot enough to burn off any germs that the sausage might have picked up from nasty veggies.

If you have the opportunity to visit the new Food Lion, I recommend that you wait a few days. If all goes well it will stop raining, they will add some canopies, and if my call to action goes well they will have Wing Dings back on the shelf before March Madness begins.

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