We are all members of a few families throughout our lives: the family we are born into and the family(s) we create. We all transfer wounds, attitudes, fears, hopes and desires -all emotional baggage- from the former to the latter. The narcissist is no exception.
The narcissist has a dichotomous view of humanity: humans are Narcissistic Sources of Supply (and therefore idealized and overvalued) or they do not fulfill this function (and therefore worthless, devalued). The narcissist gets all the love he needs from himself. From the outside he needs approval, affirmation, admiration, adoration, attention, in other words, boundary functions of the externalized Ego.
He does not require -or seek- the love of his parents or his siblings, nor to be loved by his children. He presents them as the audience in the theater of his inflated grandeur. He wants to impress them, shock them, threaten them, amaze them, inspire them, attract their attention, subjugate or manipulate them.
He emulates and simulates a whole range of emotions and employs all means to achieve these effects. He lies (narcissists are pathological lies, his own self is false). He acts pitiful or, on the contrary, resilient and trustworthy. He amazes and shines with outstanding intellectual or physical abilities and achievements, or behavior patterns appreciated by family members. When he confronts (younger) siblings or his own children, the narcissist is likely to go through three phases:
At first, you perceive your offspring or siblings as a threat to your Narcissistic Supply, such as attention from your spouse or mother, as the case may be. They intrude on their territory and invade the Pathological Narcissistic Space. The narcissist goes to great lengths to belittle, hurt (even physically), and humiliate them and then, when these reactions prove ineffective or counterproductive, he withdraws into an imaginary world of omnipotence. A period of emotional absence and detachment occurs.
His aggression having failed to provoke the narcissistic dispense, the narcissist proceeds to indulge in daydreaming, delusions of grandeur, planning for future hits, homesickness, and grief (the Paradise Lost Syndrome). The narcissist reacts like this to the birth of his children or to the introduction of new focuses of attention in the family cell (even to a new pet!).
Anyone the narcissist perceives to be competing for the meager narcissistic supply is relegated to the role of the enemy. Where the uninhibited expression of aggression and hostility aroused by this situation is illegitimate or impossible, the narcissist prefers to stay away. Instead of attacking his children or siblings, he sometimes immediately disengages, withdraws emotionally, becomes cold and disinterested, or directs transformed anger at his partner or his parents (the more “legitimate” targets ).
Other narcissists see the opportunity in the “mishap.” They seek to manipulate their parents (or their partner) by “taking over” the newcomer. Such narcissists monopolize their siblings or their newborn children. In this way, indirectly, they benefit from the attention directed to infants. The sibling or offspring become indirect sources of narcissistic supply and representatives of the narcissist.
An example: By being closely identified with his offspring, a narcissistic father secures the mother’s grateful admiration (“What an outstanding father/brother he is”). He also takes some or all of the credit for the baby/sibling’s accomplishments. This is a process of annexation and assimilation of the other, a strategy that the narcissist uses in most of his relationships.
As siblings or progeny grow older, the narcissist begins to see their potential to be uplifting, reliable, and satisfying sources of narcissistic supply. His attitude, then, is completely transformed. Old threats have now turned into promising potentials. He cultivates those he trusts to be the most rewarding. He encourages them to idolize him, adore him, marvel at him, admire his works and abilities, learn to blindly trust him and obey him, finally, surrender to his charisma and immerse themselves in the follies-of- greatness of him
It is at this stage that the risk of child abuse, including outright incest, increases. The narcissist is autoerotic. He is the preferred object of his own sexual attraction. His siblings and his children share their genetic material. Molesting or having sex with them is as close as the narcissist gets to having sex with himself.
Also, the narcissist perceives sex in terms of attachment. The partner is “assimilated” and becomes an extension of the narcissist, a totally controlled and manipulated object. Sex, for the narcissist, is the last act of depersonalization and objectification of the other. In fact, he masturbates with other people’s bodies.
Minors pose little danger of criticizing or confronting the narcissist. They are perfect, malleable and abundant sources of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist derives gratification from having coital relations with fawning, physically and mentally inferior, inexperienced and dependent “bodies”.
These roles, assigned to them by the narcissist either explicitly and demandingly or implicitly and perniciously, are best fulfilled by those whose mind is not yet fully formed and independent. The older the siblings or children are, the more they become critical, even judgmental, of the narcissist. They are better able to put their actions into context and perspective, question their motives, anticipate their movements.
As they mature, they often refuse to continue playing the meaningless pawns in their chess game. They resent him for what he has done to them in the past, when they were least able to resist. They can gauge your true stature, talents, and achievements, which often lag far behind the claims you make.
This brings the narcissist one full cycle back to the first phase. Again, he perceives his brothers or sons/daughters as threats. He quickly becomes disillusioned and devalued. She loses all interest, becomes emotionally distant, absent and cold, rejects any effort to communicate with him, citing the pressures of life and the preciousness and scarcity of his time.
You feel overwhelmed, cornered, besieged, suffocated and claustrophobic. He wants to get away, abandon his commitments to people who have become totally useless (or even harmful) to him. He doesn’t understand why he has to support them, or suffer in his company, and believes he has been deliberately and ruthlessly trapped.
He rebels passive-aggressively (by refusing to act or intentionally sabotaging relationships) or actively (by being overly critical, aggressive, obnoxious, verbally and psychologically abusive, etc.). Slowly – to justify his actions to himself – he immerses himself in conspiracy theories with clear paranoid overtones.
In his opinion, family members conspire against him, seek to belittle or humiliate or subordinate him, misunderstand him or hinder his growth. The narcissist usually finally gets what he wants and the family he has created disintegrates to his great pain (due to the loss of the Narcissistic Space), but also to his great relief and surprise (how could they let someone as unique as they go? he?). Hey?).
This is the cycle: the narcissist feels threatened by the arrival of new family members – tries to assimilate or annex his siblings or offspring – draws Narcissistic Supply from them – overvalues and idealizes these newfound sources – as the sources they age and become independent, they engage in anti-narcissistic behaviors – the narcissist devalues them – the narcissist feels stifled and trapped – the narcissist becomes paranoid – the narcissist rebels and the family disintegrates.
This cycle characterizes not only the family life of the narcissist. It is found in other areas of his life (his career, for example). At work, the narcissist initially feels threatened (nobody knows him, he is a nobody). Then, he develops a circle of admirers, cronies, and friends that he “nurtures and nurtures” in order to get Narcissistic Supply from them. He overestimates them (for him, they are the brightest, most loyal, most likely to climb the corporate ladder, and other superlatives).
But by following some anti-narcissistic behavior on his part (a critical comment, a disagreement, a refusal, however polite), the narcissist devalues all these previously idealized individuals. Now that they have dared to oppose him, he judges them stupid, cowardly, lacking in ambition, skills and talents, commonplace (the worst expletive in the narcissist’s vocabulary), with an unspectacular career ahead of them.
The narcissist feels that he is misallocating his scarce and invaluable resources (for example, his time). He feels besieged and suffocated. He rebels and breaks out in a series of self-defeating and self-destructive behaviors, which lead to the disintegration of his life.
Condemned to build and ruin, unite and separate, appreciate and depreciate, the narcissist is predictable in his “death wish.” What sets him apart from other suicidal types is that his wish is granted in small, tormenting doses throughout his anguished life.