Knowing how to set appropriate boundaries can make all the difference in whether or not your relationship succeeds. The topic comes up frequently in my counseling office, and most people think that boundaries are set by telling other people what the boundaries are. But boundaries are really something you have to create within yourself. Having the confidence to say “no” to another is an important aspect of creating boundaries; but start by knowing what you want and what you don’t want.
The tennis match: setting limits and taking space
When one or both partners don’t have enough space or don’t feel heard, their relationship will develop signs of trouble:
• One spouse becomes a resentful caretaker, while the other feels oppressed and undervalued.
• One will be alert to the other’s moods, often walking on eggshells so as not to disturb the other.
• One can threaten to leave to get their way.
• One wants more time together and the other wants more space.
These differences can create resentment, hurt, and power struggles.
When a couple fights, the flow of love between them is blocked; even when they truly love each other. On the other hand, a couple who understand boundaries and who are committed to equality and mutual satisfaction are much more likely to create the love and partnership they deeply treasure.
Each person has individual needs for closeness and personal space, as well as other needs to feel nurtured, understood, and autonomous within a relationship. Some want the freedom to be close and comfortable; others want freedom to be autonomous and unrestricted. It is essential that you and your partner know your own needs and desires, communicate them and then understand each other. Knowing what you want and what you feel are essential skills for creating a mutually satisfying intimate relationship. In counseling, I use the tennis match metaphor to help couples understand and respect each other’s needs for space.
To keep your relationship in balance, especially if it’s new, neither you nor your partner should do all the calling, all the planning, all the talking, all the giving, and all the chasing. Instead, you must learn to throw responsibility and power back and forth like a tennis ball.
This can start in the early stages of dating or making a new friend. Start by making a move to show the other person that you are interested in being close, then sit back and wait for your partner to make a move in return. For example, make a phone call to invite him out for coffee, or to join a group going to the movies, and then let him make the next invitation. You can do the same thing in an established relationship: if you feel ignored, back off a bit, no drama, and your partner will reach out to you. If you feel overwhelmed that your partner is too aggressive, step up and take the initiative, or say a simple “no thanks” (see below).
The idea is to establish a balance in your relationship, which can be difficult to achieve if you have a strong interest in the other person or if the two of you have developed an unbalanced interaction. Going too strong into the relationship may alienate the other person or may disguise a lack of sufficient interest on the other person’s part. Don’t keep throwing balls over the net if they don’t come back to you. On the other hand, if you never hit the ball, but always wait for the other person to hit the ball, you’re not playing tennis very well either. It is essential that you do your part, because passivity is easily interpreted as a lack of interest and can cut off communication. If you compare what has happened in the relationship so far to a game of tennis, you will quickly see if you have been too passive or too aggressive.
The tennis match: volley the conversation
The tennis match is so central to balancing all of your relationships and allowing them to find their appropriate levels that I have developed some guidelines you can use to understand and promote intimacy. Following the guidelines will help you and your partner understand each other’s needs and wants, and create natural boundaries that you feel comfortable with. It will give both of you the space and balance to show that you are interested in what the other is saying and want to hear more. Whether you’re online, on the phone, or face-to-face, you need to keep the conversation going back and forth, what I call the tennis match.
Tennis match guidelines to understand your partner
• Take turns: Allow space for your partner to bring up issues, express their opinion, gather thoughts, and express opinions. Don’t jump right into a silence if it’s not your turn.
• Focus: Listen carefully to what your partner is saying, don’t get mentally distracted by what they want to say next.
• Volleyball (Respond): After your partner says something, respond directly, letting them know that you heard and understood what was said and, if possible, that you have similar thoughts or experiences.
• Don’t argue: There is definitely a place for lively discussion in a good conversation, but be careful not to get too confrontational. Your goal is to establish understanding.
• Return the serve: At the end of what you say, invite a response by adding “don’t you think so?” Or what do you think?” or, make your answer to a question.
• Serve again: If your partner drops the ball, ask a question about something that has been said before and give them plenty of time to express their opinion.
If your tennis match lasts long enough, you’ll learn a lot about each other and both of you will feel like you have “a lot to talk about.” The approach to the game of tennis is not a rigid one, but rather a flexible attitude that you can adapt to almost any situation.
say no
When you come across a partner who is aggressive and overwhelms you with too many words, too much emotion and drama, or too much attention, you need to learn to set boundaries. If you are interested in maintaining the relationship, you must also learn to step up and hit the ball in your partner’s direction. Learning to say ‘no’ or even shut up in a neutral way is not necessarily easy, but it is essential to avoid uncomfortable situations. Be polite, but firm when you say “no thanks” and you’ll prevent the other person from imposing on you. Saying nothing is often the best tactic. Wait until your braggart runs out of energy and then you can make your statement.
If no question is actually being asked, you don’t need to volunteer, no matter how sad the story. If you’re asked a direct question, you can learn to be polite and say, “I’m really sorry, but I can’t.” If that’s too hard, say you need to check with someone else (your calendar, your spouse, your kids, your boss, your pets) or think about it before you answer. If you have trouble saying no in person, use email or call when you know the other person won’t be there and leave a polite denial on their voice mail. Often saying no is unconscious proof. If you’re not sure if you’re respected, valued, or cared about, you might want to say “no.” After you say no, if your refusal is handled with respect, care, and consideration, your questions may go away and you may change your mind.
Replay a scene of a situation where you want to say “no,” such as with a demanding neighbor, partner, or family member, and practice saying “no” in several different ways in your imagination. Look on TV and in movies for examples of people saying “no” with grace and dignity (you can find them, if you look) and imitate them.