I often hear from wives (and sometimes husbands too) who tell me they are afraid it is too late to reconcile their marriage. Sometimes there has been infidelity. Sometimes the two of them no longer speak or are constantly fighting. And sometimes the spark just goes out and one of the spouses has or is considering a move or divorce. People often assume that any of these things (and a few others as well) means it’s too late to get things right.
In my experience, it’s rarely too late to reconcile with your spouse, even if only one of you is interested in doing so. I have seen couples who have filed for divorce reconcile at the last second. I’ve seen couples who can’t stand each other’s site try again and make it work. And I have even seen some couples who actually got divorced and then remarried. Sometimes luck is involved. But many times, what is needed is the determination of one of the spouses to change things and a workable plan. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.
If you really want to reconcile with your spouse, do not arbitrarily write him off: Many of the people who tell me that they believe it is “too late to reconcile” take this assumption as fact. Once they have made the decision that their marriage is past the point of no return, they will withdraw as a means of self-preservation. Nobody wants to be the only one who wants a reconciliation because this sets you up for a painful rejection.
But the problem is that if nobody takes a risk or takes a step, you run the risk of the relationship ending. And while his pride may still be intact, the person he loves (and the marriage she wanted) is now gone because she let him go with no real attempt to save him. Yes, it can be very vulnerable to admit that you want to make up when you suspect it might be too late, but honestly, you’ll never know if it’s too late or not if you don’t take a chance and try.
Often the best strategy you can take when you’re afraid of being too late to reconcile your marriage is to focus on the core relationship: I often have people tell me there is no way they can save their marriage because their spouse has moved away or is seeing someone else or isn’t even answering their calls anymore. It is true that these things can be difficult to overcome, but they are not impossible.
Sometimes the bigger the obstacle, the more you have to take it slow and accept small, incremental victories. There is no reason to push too hard or try to make up too much ground too soon. It is often much better to move gradually. It may be unrealistic to think that you can reconcile your marriage overnight or in a week or two. But you can take it one day at a time and try to make small improvements in the core relationship with your spouse.
Sometimes it helps to take the pressure off and tell yourself (and possibly your spouse) that you don’t know where the marriage is headed, but you do know that you want the relationship to improve because this person is too important to you. that you just let them go because you’re afraid it’s “too late.”
It’s probably not too late to take steps to change negative perceptions to positive perceptions and to draw your spouse toward you rather than away. I find that when many people are in this situation, they become cautious and reluctant instead of open and communicative. In my opinion, this is the worst thing you can do. You don’t have to be too pushy or profess your undying love when your spouse is reluctant to listen to this. But he can try small improvements that he is comfortable with.
Gradually and slowly, you can build on these small improvements until you are making big strides toward reconciliation. You don’t have to define it as such or put too much pressure on the process. In fact, avoiding this will often help you be more successful and face fewer obstacles. Don’t make the mistake of trying to do too much too soon or trying to force your spouse to “work” on all your big problems.
In the early stages of a reconciliation (especially when your spouse is reluctant), it’s best to leave problems for later until you’ve improved your relationship and level of commitment. Everything doesn’t have to be perfect for a reconciliation, but improvements are usually needed. And small improvements can often occur without too much difficulty and can eventually be developed.