Let me share a secret: Everyone is afraid of intimacy! Some may be more adept at hiding their fear, but the truth is that they still experience it. Let’s take a look at what we can do about it so that we can enjoy better intimacy in our life.
Why are we afraid?
In general, fear is a physical sensation that makes us aware of potential danger with the intention of keeping us safe. In privacy we open ourselves, we expose the most intimate and we share. This makes us extremely vulnerable and exposed to potential distress and pain. Many will have experienced these pains and will have past references that they carry with them every day. Fear says: “Be careful not to open up too much, you could hurt yourself like you did before!”
No way
The truth is: there is no way around it. To experience the bliss of intimate connection, falling in love with someone, and living happily ever after (if there is such a thing), we need to overcome this fear. It’s the door. What stops us is that when we approach the door, we still cannot see what is on the other side and, since we are not sure, our fear makes us believe that we prefer not to try at all.
Become a nun
One of my clients recently expressed this fear. Her strategy was to create a life that was very comfortable and enjoyed many things as a single woman. And yet, she came to see me because she knew she had to face the fear of meeting potential new intimate candidates. I asked him: ‘You have a choice to live your life as you are now or to take a step into the unknown. You still haven’t convinced me that you’d rather be a nun …
Not ‘overcome’ but ‘go through’
There is no easy recipe or step-by-step guide to overcome your fear of intimacy. The only way is to get through it. Start by setting an achievable goal, like meeting a new person each week. For now, you may want to practice meeting people and engaging in conversation, whether they are male or female.
Another option is to sign up for an Internet dating site. This allows you to practice connecting, flirting via email or on the phone, before actually meeting. Allow yourself time and choices that you are practicing fields rather than putting all your expectations on the Lord or Miss’s soulmate.
Another resource for reminding yourself is that what you are working on is the end result: an intimate relationship. Keep this in mind: you will fondly remember those first moments.