I often hear from wives who have a lot of conflicts. On one hand, they are furious that their husbands have admitted to being unfaithful and having an affair. But on the other hand, they feel that their deception was motivated by their current struggles. And this can lead to protective feelings or an impulse to want to help him, which many people find a bit strange.
I heard from a wife who said, “I know this is crazy, but I really want to help my husband right now because I know he is absolutely lost. For the past two years, he has watched his mother rot with cancer. He has watched mourn his father. And a couple of months ago, he had his own health problem and faced a very serious diagnosis. I felt sorry for him and tried to help him, but he was very distant. Last week, he came home, he was he broke down and started sobbing and told me he cheated on me with a coworker. He said the relationship lasted three weeks. This seems like an affair to me but he denies it. He tells me about twenty times a day how sorry he is and he asks if I can ever forgive him. He says he’s just not himself and he’s just not functioning properly with everything he’s been going through. I want to help him. My heart goes out to him. Don’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so angry. with him, but I also know that he needs me now more than ever and I’m not I’m not ready to turn my back. I’m crazy? Because all my friends say I am.”
My heart truly goes out to this couple and I have a definite opinion on this, which I will now discuss.
Why I Don’t Think It’s Crazy To Acknowledge Your Husband Needs You After His Struggles Lead To Cheating: I’m pretty open about the fact that I think cheating and affairs often arise when men are struggling in some way. Often, they are trying to push back these struggles and it is their misguided way of dealing with them that is the issue. I often get criticized for that because people think I’m making excuses for cheating. I am not. I’m not saying that a man’s struggles make it okay for him to cheat. they don’t. But I do think it’s remarkable that these struggles are often a big part of their life at the time. And I know that this knowledge can often help answer the need of the spouse of the faithful to know why this happened.
Some wives will reject their husband during fights that lead up to an affair. Others won’t. I think both answers are perfectly valid. And I don’t think it’s crazy to realize that she needs you when she’s struggling, even if those struggles lead to something regrettable. But here’s a distinction that I think is important. Just because he needs you (and you want to support him) doesn’t mean you won’t have to deal with the consequences of cheating. And that doesn’t mean he isn’t responsible for his actions.
You can support it and still need to address the cheating: I think rooting for him when he’s struggling doesn’t mean you should get a free pass for his cheat. Yes, you are going through a difficult time that would test even the most balanced person. It is understandable that you want to help and support him. However, if he uses his struggles as an excuse for his infidelity and forgives him without making rehab mandatory, he may be sending a message he will later regret. It’s important to understand that infidelity damages a marriage even if you understand the reasons behind it. So no matter how much you like and support him, both of you need to understand that you may have work to do in your marriage and restore trust. Because you don’t want him to misbehave or cheat every time he falls on hard times.
The husband could probably use a little help learning to cope, while you could use some reassurance that he won’t cheat on you again. So while I absolutely understand (and even congratulate) this wife that she wants to be there for her husband during this very difficult time, I also felt it was vital that they also focus on healing and rehabilitation. Deception is a reality that you cannot ignore, but it is also sometimes a cry for help.